I’m at peace with not liking my body.
Me, in my happy place eating Indian food in San Francisco June, 2023.
I don't like my body, and I am okay with that. I also believe that most women don't like their bodies either. Not that my humble opinion matters. But anyway, if a survey were taken, I would estimate that the majority of women don't like the body they were dealt. The recently formed anti-diet movement tells me that the reason for this is that I've been brainwashed by diet culture, but I don't buy it.
There have only been a handful of days in my entire life when I have liked my body. But, as I said, I'm okay with this, and deep inside, I have a sense of being enough, lovable, and genuinely liking who I am. And, also, I still don't really like my body.
Throughout all the days of my life, I can consciously remember only a few days when I like my body, even though I am grateful for it. It might be because I am in midlife now, but I keep wondering why there is so much pressure to like my body more. For half my life, I was supposed to be thin to be considered pretty. Now, I'm supposed to love my fat and embrace my natural set-point weight. Do you want to know what happened when I just ate anything I wanted? My joints hurt, and none of my clothes fit. I felt depressed about none of my clothes fitting. My lab work indicated a risk of pre-diabetes, and my blood pressure increased. Oh, and my blood lipids raised to the point where my doctor raised his eyebrow with concern. So now, it's not okay to dislike our bodies, but it's still acceptable to dislike our hair or nose.
Yes, the cat is out of the bag - gasp! - and everyone knows that toxic diet culture is to blame for everything bad when it comes to being a woman. But here's what I know: I can truly, wonderfully, deeply like myself as a human being and have a preference for a different body than what I am currently working with. Me not liking my body, its shape, or its stature doesn't take away from my ability to appreciate the job it does or find gratitude in the journey it's taking. I fully cooperate with the body I have, just as I cooperated when my life fell apart about 12 years ago. However, to me, there is a difference between cooperating and accepting. Accepting myself feels like I have to like what I get and not complain. Cooperating feels like I am actively involved in a process and have a say. Cooperating with myself while not liking my body gives me the space to feel more love for myself and permission to explore new things. I am a work in progress, so I honor the choices I make in my journey of self-improvement.
Women still desire thinness, and now, thanks to the anti-diet culture, they pursue it secretly. Moreover, with medications like Ozempic and Mounjaro, which utilize semaglutides GLP-1, there is an almost surefire way to achieve the desired body. They are doing it even more discreetly than before. Observing this unfold on social media feels like preparing for a war to begin. There are podcasts dedicated to ending diet culture, promoting health at every size, and eliminating fat stigma. I am ecstatic that these conversations are happening. However, at the same time, women are being subtly and not-so-subtly told that if they choose to lose weight for any reason, they are following toxic diet culture, which is considered the less enlightened path. It feels as though my choice is being taken away through shaming and the notion that consciously wanting to lose weight for personal reasons is morally wrong.
Here's the bottom, bottom line: Regardless of whether I like or dislike my body, whether I choose to diet or not, every individual should have the freedom to make their own choices as long as they are adults and not harming themselves. I am still okay and a lovable person, regardless of external factors. My focus remains inward, on my relationship with myself, rather than whether I am on a diet or not. Working out my personal belief that I was unlovable from the childhood trauma I experienced allowed me freedom from the notion that my body is a source of worth and value about who I am. That is really key for me. What I do with my body now becomes an experiment, while what I do with my heart becomes the source of true transformation.